You First…the Rest of the World takes Second Place!

So, if I had a Dollar for every woman (or man, yes this works for guys too) that I have met or knew who put her man/significant other before her own needs…I would be a millionaire or more!  Don’t get me wrong, by Nature, I am a Caregiver, a Nurturer!  I have walked in those shoes and Believe me, they are more uncomfortable than Any pair of 6″ High-heeled Stiletto‘s that I own!

That being the case, I know at least One person is out there saying, Bitch Please… Where are you going with this?!  Well, where I am going is pretty basic!

How much do you Love your “significant other“?  I can only guess that if you are with them, you love them a lot or you wouldn’t be with them.  But the real question is, when you Look in the Mirror can you Honestly say To Yourself… I Love Myself and Know that taking care of Myself needs to be a High Priority!

So let’s talk about ways you can take care of yourself Let me ask you a few questions.  If you want to answer my questions to me, you can write me at the end of the questions.  Feel free to ask me questions or ask if I have suggestions for you.

  • How much time Every day do you spend doing something just for youSomething special, like meditating, reading a few chapters from a fav book or soaking uninterrupted in a hot bubble bath?
  • How often do you buy something selfish just for you?  Not even something expensive, maybe a favorite blend or cup of coffee or a small snack that is just for you or a magazine?
  • How often do you tell someone that you Love, No or Not yet? Because you need to “do you” first?
  • When you Look at your schedule.  Are you living your life solely for that other person?  Is your schedule simply Their schedule or errands for them transcribed into your phone/tablet/laptop calendar?
  • When you Look at your scheduleDo You See You in it?  Are you squeezing in your stuff?  Or are you Really in it?  Getting your hair or eyebrows or manicure done, if that is what you are into.  Having your girlfriends over for coffee or wine or whatever you enjoy.
  • Look in the mirror again.  Do a self-assessment.  Tell me, tell you, what do you see?  Let’s talk Before and Now comparisons.  You Know there are differences!  Don’t be lying to me or even worse, to you!
    • Start at the top! How much have you changed your hair for that person in your life?  Color? Cut? Curls? Weave? Dreads?  Who’s idea was it, No Really, shush now and tell the truth.  Who’s idea was it For Real?
    • Ok now that we got that outta the way…Whew!  Your face, all of it hon, I am talking from skincare (or sudden lack of it) to makeup (or sudden lack of it).
      • Do you still take the time to take care of your skin the way you used to?  You know, the occasional facial, the quality products?  Or has that gone aside because you are Sooo busy running errands for that “Special someone”?
      • Did you Used to wear makeup and Love how you looked every day with it.  Had fun even trying different tricks and tips you saw on YouTube?  Did you used to buy Really Nice skincare products and facials and do spa treatments once in a blue moon with the girls or your Mom?  And now you haven’t since….ummm since…Oh Snap!  That Too?!
    • Ok, so let’s just keep moving on.  Let’s take a look at your clothes.
      • Did you “Used to wear” girly clothes or clothes that fit you nicely and looked super cute?!  And suddenly now you are wearing baggy clothes or men’s jeans and men’s shirts?  Or has he got you wearing sweat pants 24/7 now? Hmmm…makes you wonder doesn’t it?
      • Where have you gone to?  Are you lost in there?
    • Well, Do I dare even ask what you are wearing for shoes now?  I am sure it used to be those cute little flats or some fly high heels….used to be…
    • OMG!!!  Do You Remember When?! You used to have a few of The Most Adorbs purses Ever! I bet you had at Least one Coach bag, one Kate Spade and either a Guess or was it a Dooney & Bourke?  Oh those were the days…they’re where?  Back of a closet in a box?  Sister’s house?  Parents?  Storage?  Got tired of fighting him over your Fav bag, didn’t you?  No use for them at the gym or the ballpark…

So, Do you Now see what other people see?  I am guessing that someone in your life has said something in some tone that Royally Ticked you off.  But basically they probably said something similar to what I just said and I had you look at yourself right here in the mirror.

Well, there you have it, the physical side of everything.  But you and I both know that there is much more to it than just the physical side of it.  Let’s talk Mental.

  • When it comes to decision making how do things go?  Are you a part of the process or are you just a talking head?
    • Do you agree because it is easier than giving your own opinion or do you agree because you are scared too give your opinion?
    • Do you have things that you still make total decisions on yourself?  Or do you have to “run everything by” your significant other?
    • Are there things that your significant other asks you for your opinion on?

Ok, now for the hard part…Yep I am going there and it is Not sex, LOL it is MONEY!

  • Do you still have your own money or are you one of those women that get an “allowance” (like a kid)?  Did you know that there are women who have full time jobs making good money who hand over their check just to get an allowance!
  • Does he budget your money for everything with an iron fist?
  • Do you have to explain where every penny goes to?  Hand him receipts like a thief in the night?
  • Were you aware that Many Financially successful couples keep separate bank accounts?  Then they also have a joint account to pay their combined bills from.  This account is the one where each person puts in their percentage of the bill money.  This way each person in the relationship still maintains their financial responsibility.

So, what is left?  We have talked about Your appearance, from head to toe.  Your forgetting how to spoil yourself in a hundred little ways. Your finances.  There is So much more to this… keep on reading!

How about we talk about your frame of mind, have you introduced the significant other to your family yet?

  • What is their opinion?  I mean do they Love him, hug him, welcome with or without you into their home and lives?
  • Does he get invited to “guy” things with your male relatives?  Even if it is “Hey, the gals are gossiping and hanging out by the pool, let’s go grill and drink a couple beers”
  • Or does he end up either “hanging” all over you, only sitting next to you.  Spending every second with you, not giving you Any breathing room?  Even if you are with the gals?
  • Maybe he gets the cold shoulder from your family and friends and they tell you that you an do “BETTER”.
  • Or they tell you, Please talk to him about his manners before visiting again.
  • Or worse, you are Always welcome, without him.

So, do you still have friends?  Your friends, not his.  You remember them, right?  You had them before you were a couple.

  • Are you just online with them now or are they actually people that you meet in the wild?  Wouldn’t that be total Awesomeness if he Actually Let you keep your friends!

Continuing with your frame of mind, let’s talk about how the two of you talk to each other.  Well, mostly, how he talks to you.

  • Does he use a parental tone of voice with you?
  • Does he talk down to you like you wouldn’t understand him?
  • Does he degrade you either in private (or God forbid in front of others)?
  • Does he say things like “shut up” or “you’re stupid” or call you “dumb
  • Does he get physically aggressive and wave his arms at you while he yells?
  • Does he scream a lot?

Well sweetieLook in the mirror again, if you are answering and seeing that you are not THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE…  You deserve to be treated better.

I started off by telling you that I have walked in your shoes and they are not comfortable.  Everything I have written here is true and it varies in levels from simply being with an asshole to verbal abuse and control to physical abuse and control.  You and ONLY You know the levels and extent of it.  Only you know if by answering my questions if you are in a healthy relationship or not.

If you are wanting someone to talk with or just want an opinion on your answers, I am here for you.  I am not a professional therapist of any type. 

I am a Survivor of Many things.

  • Two of those things are
    1. a verbally abusive relationship (with a business partner of all things).
    2. a physically abusive relationship where I sustained broken bones among other things.

So, if you want to   Reach Out To Me!do it Here

Thank You So Very Much for you Time, I Appreciate it!

Namaste~Momma Janet

 

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